[This one is a gem, among the funniest of Dr. Steve's 24 entries. Originally published 11.19.04.]

"Dr. Steve, is it really possible to find true love the same way you would shop for an antique Buick?"

-a   singles   ad   in   a   national   magazine

- an   ad   for   a   '55   Buick

Or, put another way:

Are you an "affectionate, well-bred, fertile S.W.F.; a corporate VP and former White House aide who's looking for love, romance, and good times? Do you like long walks on the beach and candle-lit dinners for two? Are you the kind of person who'd never take out or answer one of these ads? Are you funny, warm, vulnerable, and sensitive, sometimes crazy, always interesting?"

Or are you built more along the lines of a "S.W.M. Fortune 500 vice president, jock/stud/preppy type, licensed pilot, Kevin Costner lookalike, mountain climber/Olympic skier/Pulitzer prize-winning journalist who hates bars and the dating scene? Do you like modern art, Laurie Anderson, and long romantic walks on the beach?"

For the love of Mike, why don't we ever meet people like these in real life?

Part of the explanation is that these ads are like abbreviated resumes --- and just as "leader of youth groups" on a resume translates to "camp counselor," and "firsthand knowledge of penal institutions" usually means "two to five, grand auto theft, suspended sentence," the same kind of double-speak exists in singles ads.   Take these two:

And:

Okay.   Here's how to read between the   lines:

Male Adonis = recently joined a health club; still trying to deal with the fact that his last girlfriend couldn't have an orgasm.

sensual = garter belts

independent woman = someone who can find something else to do while he watches Monday night football.

traditional values = he will drive; she will cook. She will never question why she has to get lost on Monday nights.

28-35 = he's 42

dedicated professional = he screwed up his first marriage by being an alcoholic

Elvis Costello = owns one CD but prefers mellow rock

Bach = owns one CD but prefers mellow rock

museums = he went to one once

understanding = (a) his kids will be weekend entertainment and (b) his job still comes first

passionate = easy

spontaneous = he won't call for weeks but will then call at 7:00 for a 7:30   date

partners = he makes $30,000 a year and wants someone who will split expenses

..in confidence = all replies will be used for halftime entertainment on Monday nights

Obviously, some key phrases vary from ad to ad.

"Witty" usually means "I can imitate Billy Crystal's "You look maahvelous," or "I own the Weird Al Yankovitch album."

A "gentleman" is "45 + , recently divorced, and terrified to make a move on the first date." (Also read Volvo, boring.)

"Stunning beauty" means "lots of makeup."

"Sensitive" is "five years of therapy."

"Jazz lover" translates to "I have a beard."   (Yes,   women   too.)

And "Lives 20 minutes outside of the city" always means only one thing: "geographically undesirable."

But as telling as these euphemisms may be, perhaps the most interesting aspect of singles ads is how often you can read one, and understand exactly why somebody is still single.   Here are two examples, reprinted just as they appeared in national magazines:

And:

Come on.   Are these people joking? Did they skip the grade in high school where we learn that looks aren't everything? If they're going to go this far, why not go the whole nine yards and advertise as follows:

And:

In the end the question remains: Is it really possible to find true love the same way you'd find a used Buick?   Have you noticed that every ad mentions something about wanting to take "long romantic walks on the beach"?

Dr. Steve has locked in on one inescapable conclusion: If just half of those ads had been successful, by now we would have paved the sand.